Balancing Act to 2013

So as I sit here waiting for some cookies to be done in the oven and Autumn is finally asleep, I figured why not sit down and write something. I feel like I need to write about this past year... so yes in that regards, it's a particularly predictable post.

2012 has been the hardest and most ridiculous year of my life. Medically speaking it was one thing after another, and honestly, it was really hard to see the light some days. I went through a whole 2 weeks of hell being told that I might be sterile and never be able to have another kid of my own to being told that I have diabetes. Then I spent another week and half with a doctor that really shouldn't be seeing patient with type 1 diabetes. I was completely lost for a whole week and half. I was giving myself WAY too much insulin. I'm surprised that I didn't end up dead. BUT I did find a great care team that was incredibly quick and responsive to me. But to add on top of all of that, I was told, "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no" to getting pregnant anyway. Which I understand, but I really want another child. I have never felt so fulfilled like I do when I'm being a mother. I don't care what any one says about mothers, especially stay at home moms. That's what I want to be. I want to raise the children that I decided to bring into this world. That's my opinion and everyone has their own. BUT I do want to be able to go back to school and work once our kids our out of the house. Anyway... that's not 2012 related at all. But my plans are pushed back and I feel distraught about it. I want nothing more to be a mom. And so plans are pushed back for at least a year if not longer.

Not only has it been crappy medically speaking, professionally speaking as well. I'm going to start with I like my job a lot. The circumstances of this year and everything with audits and stuff has not been good. It has caused me to spend late nights at work, taking work home, and even working the weekends, and I still have been able to keep up with my work. It's been incredibly rough while going through my diagnosis and being a mom and a supportive wife. I'm really hoping that 2013 brings some good new employees to give me a break! I really need all the help I can get at this point.

But not to harp on diabetes or anything, but especially lately, I have been feeling incredibly lazy about my diabetes. At first I was really trying my hardest to keep on top of it and keep myself from slipping. And I tell you, I have done an incredible job all things considered. But when I see everyone being able to eat automatically and not have to test their sugars levels and then give themselves insulin, it drives me crazy. In some cases, Rob's almost done eating by the time I even start to eat my dinner. Ok, he's a fast eater, but STILL! AND then, Rob just eats and eats whatever he wants! OH SOOOOOO frustrating! Goodness.,.. it's difficult to be diabetic around Rob.

Something that I have thinking a lot about lately has been the balancing act a healthy person's body does. The reason I dip so low is because my liver actually doesn't work quite like a regular person's either. My liver doesn't produce the sugar that I need to keep myself from dipping so low and then I skyrocket because I don't make insulin... well I still do, but it's only a matter of time. Which is also annoying... I feel like a ticking time bomb until my body decides to finally give up and not produce any insulin whatsoever.

I feel like my whole life is a balancing act and I'm EXHAUSTED! It was so nice to have my parents in town for a little over a week. It allowed me to sit and breathe for once. It's been soooooo hard these last several months. And I'm not saying anyone else hasn't had it hard. I'm sure everyone is going through something or this or that or whatever. I'm just saying that it's been difficult and I really hope that 2013 proves to be better. I hope that I get a pump and that life will be just a simdge easier. It's not that I'm unhappy, but rather overwhelmed. I would like a break from everything. I think that is my number one wish for the next year. I really hope that even if it's an hour or a day or whatever, that I get a small break from being diabetic. It truly is exhausting... But since I seriously doubt that will happen, I just hope that I can continue to learn to balance my blood sugars, job, home life, ... rather everything in my life a bit better. I don't think making a resolution will help, because let's face it, they never happen, but rather if I can hope that I can balance things better, maybe that hope will become fruition and develop into something good. I truly hope that when I look back at the year next year that I will have better memories and a better year in general. And so far, it's looking good.

Here's to 2013! So long and good riddance 2012! Happy New Years everyone!

And so the Holidays begin

So I've been feeling a bit bitter and angry about my diabetes the last couple of days. There's really no good cause for me to feel that way, but I do none the less... I have felt incredibly betrayed by my body. I have told myself that I will be good, REALLY good in my diet, except for during holiday parties for church, works, and any other random holiday party we've been invited to. Well, I have been good, but not as good as I wished. Work has been incredibly stressful lately and so I haven't been going to the gym like I should be, and I have taken to as little comfort food as I can... which is more than I should have. So it's been difficult staying on my diet....

Anyway, we went to our first Holiday party of the season. And YES! I totally splurged! Oh that yummy chocolate walnut bundt cake was AWESOME! NUMMER, NUMMER NUMMER! Anyway, we sat down at a table by ourselves and this old man from the ward came and sat next to me. We exchanged greetings and that was it. We got in line for our food, and came back to the table. The man hadn't gotten any food. So at this point, I tested my blood sugars, and the old man turns to me and says, "I'm sorry." I wasn't too shocked that he knew what I was doing. But then he said, "My son has Type 1 too." I was completely baffled that he even knew that there were more than 1 type of diabetes, let alone that he knew that I was Type 1. I asked him how he knew that I was Type 1 and he said, "Well, Type 2 can be reversed by diet and exercise. I see you're insulin dependent." WHAT!!?? We got to talking and I found out that 4 of his immediate family members have Type 1. We began to tell me about how one of them fell off their horse and damaged their pancreas and became Type 1.

Anyway, I guess this is when I began to feel more and more betrayed by my body. Had I damaged my pancreas, on accident or on purpose, that wold have been one thing. But to have my body produce an actual antibody that is killing off my beta cells!? Ugh! That just makes me bitter. I got sick with a virus and this is what I get!? I also think why I'm feeling bitter about it is because of my doctor's appointment almost 2 weeks ago now. He told me that no matter what I do, I WILL develop nueropathy! I WILL lose all feeling in my feet. There is no "Well if I keep my blood sugars in control" conditional. I fear that this also extends to other health issues that can be caused by diabetes. You know, nerve damage, kidney problems, blindness.... granted I can stave it off as long as I can, but I fear that it will happen! It's no longer a thing about keeping my blood sugars in control.... It doesn't matter. And I'm bitter. I want to be able to spend a long healthy life with Rob and our kids. I want to experience things with them and so I will keep my blood sugars in control. But it's hard to keep things in focus sometimes when you know eventually this disease that you didn't ask for will take your foot, or kidney, or eyes or nerves or whatever. And so I'm angry. Angry that I have to work hard on my health for the rest of my life; harder than any normal healthy person.

And so my holidays begin. They begin with a new outlook on my diabetes that I'm not a huge fan about... Time to start working through this.... again. I'm sure that this will happen from time to time. I hope your holidays have started off better than mine.