Balancing Act to 2013

So as I sit here waiting for some cookies to be done in the oven and Autumn is finally asleep, I figured why not sit down and write something. I feel like I need to write about this past year... so yes in that regards, it's a particularly predictable post.

2012 has been the hardest and most ridiculous year of my life. Medically speaking it was one thing after another, and honestly, it was really hard to see the light some days. I went through a whole 2 weeks of hell being told that I might be sterile and never be able to have another kid of my own to being told that I have diabetes. Then I spent another week and half with a doctor that really shouldn't be seeing patient with type 1 diabetes. I was completely lost for a whole week and half. I was giving myself WAY too much insulin. I'm surprised that I didn't end up dead. BUT I did find a great care team that was incredibly quick and responsive to me. But to add on top of all of that, I was told, "no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no" to getting pregnant anyway. Which I understand, but I really want another child. I have never felt so fulfilled like I do when I'm being a mother. I don't care what any one says about mothers, especially stay at home moms. That's what I want to be. I want to raise the children that I decided to bring into this world. That's my opinion and everyone has their own. BUT I do want to be able to go back to school and work once our kids our out of the house. Anyway... that's not 2012 related at all. But my plans are pushed back and I feel distraught about it. I want nothing more to be a mom. And so plans are pushed back for at least a year if not longer.

Not only has it been crappy medically speaking, professionally speaking as well. I'm going to start with I like my job a lot. The circumstances of this year and everything with audits and stuff has not been good. It has caused me to spend late nights at work, taking work home, and even working the weekends, and I still have been able to keep up with my work. It's been incredibly rough while going through my diagnosis and being a mom and a supportive wife. I'm really hoping that 2013 brings some good new employees to give me a break! I really need all the help I can get at this point.

But not to harp on diabetes or anything, but especially lately, I have been feeling incredibly lazy about my diabetes. At first I was really trying my hardest to keep on top of it and keep myself from slipping. And I tell you, I have done an incredible job all things considered. But when I see everyone being able to eat automatically and not have to test their sugars levels and then give themselves insulin, it drives me crazy. In some cases, Rob's almost done eating by the time I even start to eat my dinner. Ok, he's a fast eater, but STILL! AND then, Rob just eats and eats whatever he wants! OH SOOOOOO frustrating! Goodness.,.. it's difficult to be diabetic around Rob.

Something that I have thinking a lot about lately has been the balancing act a healthy person's body does. The reason I dip so low is because my liver actually doesn't work quite like a regular person's either. My liver doesn't produce the sugar that I need to keep myself from dipping so low and then I skyrocket because I don't make insulin... well I still do, but it's only a matter of time. Which is also annoying... I feel like a ticking time bomb until my body decides to finally give up and not produce any insulin whatsoever.

I feel like my whole life is a balancing act and I'm EXHAUSTED! It was so nice to have my parents in town for a little over a week. It allowed me to sit and breathe for once. It's been soooooo hard these last several months. And I'm not saying anyone else hasn't had it hard. I'm sure everyone is going through something or this or that or whatever. I'm just saying that it's been difficult and I really hope that 2013 proves to be better. I hope that I get a pump and that life will be just a simdge easier. It's not that I'm unhappy, but rather overwhelmed. I would like a break from everything. I think that is my number one wish for the next year. I really hope that even if it's an hour or a day or whatever, that I get a small break from being diabetic. It truly is exhausting... But since I seriously doubt that will happen, I just hope that I can continue to learn to balance my blood sugars, job, home life, ... rather everything in my life a bit better. I don't think making a resolution will help, because let's face it, they never happen, but rather if I can hope that I can balance things better, maybe that hope will become fruition and develop into something good. I truly hope that when I look back at the year next year that I will have better memories and a better year in general. And so far, it's looking good.

Here's to 2013! So long and good riddance 2012! Happy New Years everyone!