So I've been feeling a bit bitter and angry about my diabetes the last couple of days. There's really no good cause for me to feel that way, but I do none the less... I have felt incredibly betrayed by my body. I have told myself that I will be good, REALLY good in my diet, except for during holiday parties for church, works, and any other random holiday party we've been invited to. Well, I have been good, but not as good as I wished. Work has been incredibly stressful lately and so I haven't been going to the gym like I should be, and I have taken to as little comfort food as I can... which is more than I should have. So it's been difficult staying on my diet....
Anyway, we went to our first Holiday party of the season. And YES! I totally splurged! Oh that yummy chocolate walnut bundt cake was AWESOME! NUMMER, NUMMER NUMMER! Anyway, we sat down at a table by ourselves and this old man from the ward came and sat next to me. We exchanged greetings and that was it. We got in line for our food, and came back to the table. The man hadn't gotten any food. So at this point, I tested my blood sugars, and the old man turns to me and says, "I'm sorry." I wasn't too shocked that he knew what I was doing. But then he said, "My son has Type 1 too." I was completely baffled that he even knew that there were more than 1 type of diabetes, let alone that he knew that I was Type 1. I asked him how he knew that I was Type 1 and he said, "Well, Type 2 can be reversed by diet and exercise. I see you're insulin dependent." WHAT!!?? We got to talking and I found out that 4 of his immediate family members have Type 1. We began to tell me about how one of them fell off their horse and damaged their pancreas and became Type 1.
Anyway, I guess this is when I began to feel more and more betrayed by my body. Had I damaged my pancreas, on accident or on purpose, that wold have been one thing. But to have my body produce an actual antibody that is killing off my beta cells!? Ugh! That just makes me bitter. I got sick with a virus and this is what I get!? I also think why I'm feeling bitter about it is because of my doctor's appointment almost 2 weeks ago now. He told me that no matter what I do, I WILL develop nueropathy! I WILL lose all feeling in my feet. There is no "Well if I keep my blood sugars in control" conditional. I fear that this also extends to other health issues that can be caused by diabetes. You know, nerve damage, kidney problems, blindness.... granted I can stave it off as long as I can, but I fear that it will happen! It's no longer a thing about keeping my blood sugars in control.... It doesn't matter. And I'm bitter. I want to be able to spend a long healthy life with Rob and our kids. I want to experience things with them and so I will keep my blood sugars in control. But it's hard to keep things in focus sometimes when you know eventually this disease that you didn't ask for will take your foot, or kidney, or eyes or nerves or whatever. And so I'm angry. Angry that I have to work hard on my health for the rest of my life; harder than any normal healthy person.
And so my holidays begin. They begin with a new outlook on my diabetes that I'm not a huge fan about... Time to start working through this.... again. I'm sure that this will happen from time to time. I hope your holidays have started off better than mine.
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