Shoes

So I have been thinking a lot lately. I realized in the last few days that I have been scattered brained and haven't really taken time to deal with the diagnosis on a personal level. I've been dealing with the disease but not really trying to put it in my life as part of me.

My dad gave me some good advice: "Two days from now, you're still going to be diabetic." He's absolutely right. There's no changing what's happened to me. What's happened has happened and all I can do is push forward and try to deal with this.

Even though I will continue to be diabetic, I'm having to learn who I am with diabetes. I'm not saying that I'm different in my personality or who I am since being diagnosed. I am saying that this experience has changed how I look at things, how I feel about certain things, and how I react to things. etc.

I know my blog so far has been quite a bit of ranting mixed with recipes. But I did put a disclaimer in here. This blog is primarily for my therapeutic reasoning. It has been a rough month and a half since being diagnosed. I have good days and I have bad days. It's really hard to see things in a big scope sometimes. I have a lot of anger towards what's happened. I have anger to the lack of knowledge the general population has for Type 1 diabetes. There's a lot of anger, and being able to talk about it and rant about it has helped me tremendously. Ranting has allowed me to stay stable emotionally for the most part. I haven't spiraled into depression that most early diagnosed diabetics do. I do have bad days and I usually cry quite often, because this sucks. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. And yet, here it is.

I finally understand how sick people feel, thinking "Why God!? Why me!?" I admit, I have felt like that from time to time. I don't know why Heavenly Father allowed this to happen. Maybe I am meant to support something. Maybe this will make me more sympathetic towards others. I don't know. I just have to keep telling myself that lesson that we learn early on about trials and tribulations. God doesn't give us any more than we can handle. It's harder some days to remember that than others. But I think that's part of dealing with the disease.

Someone at church today gave me encouraging words when I was talking about it. She said that it seemed like I am in a good place with handling it and that I have a good mindset. While I don't have everything figured out, I am dealing with this well. It's nice to know that people I don't really talk with everyday or every Sunday either, still cares to know how I am doing and how I am handling everything. It makes me feel that less alone.

Yesterday, Rob did something that he normally doesn't. I'm not the type of girl that likes things whispered in my ear. I can't deal with it. I feel silly and like I'm 13. That's usually the case. However, there are times that those sweet nothings are needed. Rob did just that yesterday. I was having a "I don't care if my blood sugar is high" kind of day. He came over to me and hugged me from behind and told me that I was a strong woman and that he loved me. In all of this I haven't felt very strong. In fact, I have felt weak. I have felt broken. In that moment, I looked past over the last month and a half and all that I have already overcome and all that I have kept normal and stable, all while trying to control and figure out my disease. I can't believe how well I have kept things from falling apart-- as well as myself. I mean, if anyone can place themselves in my shoes, I think you would have a new found respect for me. I found it yesterday as I took a step back to see exactly what I have been through. It's been really rough and holy crap! I would not wish this on anyone... even if I hated them. My life is not easy, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way... well... I could do without the diabetes, but since I don't have a choice, I will embrace it.

So in order to deal with this appropriately, I'm taking the next couple of days to reflect on this and who I want to be and what I want to change in my personality and who I am to accommodate this disease. I don't want it to change my personality, but I think I want to change how I view charities and foundations as well as being an active part in those. I believe EVERY disease has the right for fundraising to find a cure. I also am finding myself wanting a support group. I have never ever liked these kind of things before. I have never wanted to go to a therapist to deal with depression related to hormonal depression. And yet, here I am thinking about support groups and/or a therapist to help me handle what I am going through. I think those kinds of changes in me is a good thing. It makes me feel more sympathetic to everyone. It makes me in a position where I am more readily able and willing to put myself in other people shoes and what they are going through.

I am sure there will be another post within the next couple of days as I am going to be thinking a LOT.

~Diabetes is an art, not a science~