Appreciation

When I started this blog I said that this was mainly for me to be able to express what I was going through and how it's affecting my day to day life. While that is still true, I feel selfish sometimes because I do all lot of ranting and complaining and talking about me and my life and my family and my disease. Me, me, me, me, me. My viewership has gone way done on my blog and I feel that my ranting and complaining contributed to that. I mean only one person has asked me a question for my future Q&A post... which might not happen... But I'm not going to apologize for ranting and complaining. It actually helped me from spiraling into a depression after being diagnosed.

My family has a history of depression. I've been depressed before because of medications I was on. It was so bad, I hated everyone. And I mean everyone. I felt the world was out to get me. I quickly figured out what was causing it and remedied it, but it took me almost a whole year and half to FINALLY feel like myself again. I hated being depressed. It put a HUGE damper on my marriage and my family. I fortunately have a wonderful, patient, and loving husband. So, the point of me telling you this is so that you can understand that I needed to do that. I couldn't afford to spiral into another depression. My ranting and complaining were for me to blow off steam rather than letting it build up, get depressed, stop taking my insulin, and land myself into the hospital because I DKA'd. (Most newly diagnosed Type 1 diabetics are hospitalized because their blood sugars get too high so their bodies start burning the fat for energy which turns into deadly ketones.)

However, despite feeling selfish for writing this blog all about me, I have heard from several friends, whom I haven't talked to in YEARS. Since High school even. All of them have had encouraging words for me. One even told me that she's going to specialize in diabetes in Pharmaceutical School and that my blog has given her an unique perspective and courage to continue doing it. Others have told me that I have been inspiring because they too know someone with Type 2 or Pre diabetes. Many friends have spoken with my parents and have said that I am truly amazing and such a strong woman to be dealing with everything that I have been. 

This has brought me such joy. Not because it has fed my ego (but that does help), but rather that it has brought me satisfaction that someone out there is getting something from my blog and that it isn't all about me. I can tell you now, I do not feel like a strong woman. Most days, I feel broken and feel that I could be stronger. I feel like I'm just trying to get through each day. Each day brings new stresses and surprises as far as my diabetes go. I have extreme lows and extreme highs and I'm not sure what causes them. I'm still learning and I still get frustrated. This disease can be incredibly difficult. But knowing that I can encourage people through my blog gives me some satisfaction in that this is worth it if I can just reach one person. I don't care if someone out there thinks my blog is all about me, me, me, me, me. It helps me and at least one other person. And I am so grateful for that. 

Just remember, ALL diabetics need love and support, not judging and disgusted faces as they stab and prick themselves.

I'm a 6.4!

Oh such exciting news! I went to my first endocrinologist appointment yesterday. It was such an uplifting experience and such a relief listening to a doctor who specializes in the endocrine system. The weight of this disease just continues to be lifted off of my shoulders. My experience just keeps getting better and better. I thought that this was seriously going to ruin my life and make things much more difficult to enjoy family functions or any gathering for that matter. I'm such a foodie. I love to bake and cook and eat scrumptious food!

I mean seriously! I am SUCH a foodie! General Conference was such a different experience this time around. We ate typical meals with no snacking in between. Usually, I prepare cookies, rice krispie treats, or other goodies, and we have such a big breakfast with stuffed french toast and homemade strawberry syrup. Oh the yumminess! I missed it this year!!! :( Such a sad day! Really. BUT!!!!

I have finally figured things out. Being overweight cause the diabetes to take control of you. If I can keep my weight under control through diet and exercise, then I'm not going to punish myself for having a big sugary something every once in a while. As long as I balance my diet properly with the carbs, protein, veggies, and fruits, I will be able to maintain my weight. The reason why I can't do it ALL of the time is because insulin is a growth hormone. Being on man-made insulin is a lot worse for maintaining weight. Because I can't make it on my own, it means the more insulin I take, the more weight I gain. So if I was having an extra 60 sugary carbs every day then I would gain weight so much quicker than those that don't take insulin. That's really the reason why I can't just have whatever I want whenever I want. BUT I'm ok with that. This mentality has helped me get through it. I'll have 15 carbs of a sugar-free dessert more often than not. You know pudding or something. I just make sure that I go running or a really fast walk to help burn off those calories and fat.

ANYWAY! Not really part of the point that I'm a 6.4! So I had my A1C taken again yesterday and my number dropped from an 8.1 to a 6.4... to put it in perspective 7 is normal average blood sugar number. So that means that 6.4 means that my average blood sugars have been around 137! That's awesome! This also means that I can get pregnant now, so long as I keep my numbers under control.... BUT!!! That won't happen for a long while. My pregnancy needs to be a focus. I can't have Rob's schooling outshining my pregnancy. I need to be a focus; my health needs to be a focus. It's important that we focus on keeping my blood sugars under control for the baby and for me.

Did you know that my risk of every complication that could happen (still birth, miscarriage, etc.) is 2-4 times greater than those that don't have diabetes. That's really scary! I don't know if I could handle that. I guess time will only tell.... But it is important to note that as long as I can keep my numbers under control, everything can be as normal as that of a non-diabetic. The problem only being that my numbers are going to be VERY hard to control. I can do the exact same thing over and over but then one day/week/month, I won't be able to control it no matter how much insulin I take. It's going to happen and that's why it needs to be a priority. My health and the baby's health is much more important than Rob's schooling. But since Rob's schooling cannot and should not be delayed, baby will be delayed.

Anyway, that is it for tonight. I'm loving life, I'm loving my decisions, I'm loving my diabetes, I'm loving that I'm getting better. That is all!

I have a question...

So one of Autumn's favorite sayings lately has been "I have a question." To which we respond with, "ok, what is it?" but then she doesn't actually ask anything. I think it's super cute. Of course, most of what Autumn does, I think is pretty cute...

But why am I talking about this?? Well it's quite elementary my dear. I want you to ask me questions about diabetes, about dieting, about weight loss... anything! Now, I'm not going to say that I know all of the answers and will be able to give you the best answers to my knowledge and/or I will research the answers as best as I can.

The reason for this? As I began to think about the general populace's knowledge about diabetes, I thought that a video of Q&A would be helpful. Rob has a YouTube channel and he wants to do more educational kind of videos. So I want to educate you. Just remember, I am still learning about this quite a bit too. I still have questions. But I want you to. You can facebook me or email me or leave a question. For security reasons I'm not going to be giving out my email address, but most of those that read my blog have my facebook. And if not, you are reading my blog and can quite easily leave me a comment below!

Now bring on the questions! I'm excited to help you understand better and help me understand better too!

Feeling Healthy

On my run tonight, I had realized that I have written anything in about a week. And I began to think why the number of posts have dropped significantly... I realized that I'm in the "swing of things" now with taking care of this. I never imagined that I would have my numbers under control so quickly. My doctor told me that it would take 3-6 months, yet here I am in just over 2 months and I already have my numbers under control. I mean sure, it helps that I'm on insulin, but that's really besides the point.

I have NEVER felt so healthy in my life. I feel more energetic than I think even when I was in high school. I'm thinner than I EVER was in high school. I'm not saying that I was chubby, but I definitely was not the size that most girls were. I was a bit thicker... but I never thought myself fat... But I feel like I'm at a healthy weight, size, EVERYTHING. I can't believe the difference exercise and healthy eating can have.

Now let me make a disclaimer on here. I am doing better than I was doing for sure. I am definitely doing leaps and bounds better than the average american. However, I still treat myself to a yummy sweet. Old habits die hard!! I tell you what!

The thing is this, while I cannot control my diabetes with diet and exercise alone, I'm doing it to help control my diabetes. By eating low fat foods, less sweets, and low sodium foods I can help control my weight and the amount of fat that ends up in my blood. Exercising allows the insulin that I inject to work better so I don't have to use as much. Here's what's so simple about the exercise I do: I go for a 30 minute jog a day. 30 minutes! That's it. Think about how much time you sit in front of your computer or your TV... Do you have 30 minutes a day that you could spare? If you said no, ... you might want to re-prioritize.

I know everyone is busy. I mean come on! Look at me! I'm a mother and a wife! I have 3 full time jobs! 1) Watson 2) Mom 3) Diabetes. I have to work full time to support my husband through school, then come home and take care of a fairly rambunctious 2 year old, all while managing my diet, exercising and blood sugars! If I can do it and find 30 minutes to spare, then I think that you can too!

Here's my challenge to all of those that still read my blog. Just start with 15 minutes. Take a walk. You don't have to start out running like I did. I started out running because I had been exercising before... just not running. Walking is just perfect. Just start. Do something. ANYTHING! Start with being more active then look at your diet. Let me know how being active goes! Leave a comment below!

4 years and counting

So this blog post goes out to my dear, sweet husband, Rob! Today was the day 4 years ago that he danced into my life and I have to say, I can't believe that I got so lucky. So why do I remember the day that we met? Well basically it's the day that we have both agreed upon that we started dating each other. After we met, we saw each other every day for the rest of the semester except for when he went to SLC for his grandma's funeral. While we weren't technically exclusive until after we had the DTR talk (define the relationship), we were definitely not seeing anybody else between the time we met to that talk.

I'm so grateful for the fateful night that brought him into my life. I still can't believe how forward I was when I met him. I mean seriously! What girl in their right mind would say, "Hey Sam, do you mind if I cut in? I think that he's pretty cute and would like to dance with him!" I still shudder sometimes at how ridiculous I was! I was just saying things and doing things left and right that I wouldn't have done in a MILLION years in front of a cute guy, and yet there I was just acting like a twitterpated 17 year old again! *plants face in palms* But hey! I got the guy! My saving grace? Letting him know that I was a huge fan of Stargate and that I knew about the Sci Fi channel and Sci Fi shows! I mean really... he thought he was marrying a nerd, but what he got instead was a horribly emotional girl with a lot of problems! Poor sucker!

But he has been my saving grace! He has been there for me for the good, the bad, and the Uuugly! Seriously! He put up with me when my hormones were CRAZY imbalanced and I was always annoyed at every little thing that he did. (btw-that isn't the case anymore. I noticed what was going on and I loved him that much that I knew I needed to remedy that quickly) He put up with me when I broke down and cried for hours after my diagnosis. He put up with my uuuugly crying when I thought for more than 3 days that we would possibly never have children again. He puts up with my crazy baby obsession and gently reminds me that we can't do it because my health is more important. He lets me be the independent woman that I am but is always there when I need a hug or I just need to cry. This man was a gift from God and I'm so incredibly blessed to have him in my life.

I'm grateful to this wonderful man who has supported and cared for me these last 4 years, but especially during the last 2 months. Going from a possible infertility issue to Type 1 diabetes, this man has only cared about me and how this will affect us going forward. He has made sure that I do everything that I need and he hasn't watched me stick myself with a disgusted look on his face, but rather watching to understand what I am going through. Rob has been a huge blessing in my life! I'm grateful to him and for the way that he enriches my life.

Here's to many, many more years to come. Rob I love you!

Divine Intervention

So I normally don't talk about my spiritual experiences, because they are mine. I treasure them. I made the mistake when I was younger to divulge some and it lead to me looking like a fool because what I thought were promptings, probably weren't really promptings... BUT lesson learned. And I don't share them with many people if I do at all. But this particular one saved my life and I'm so grateful. No really, it really did save my life.

So I was on my daily jog on Friday night. Granted it was a little later than I normally go running. I like to go run before the sun sets, so my jogs have been getting earlier which means dinner has been getting earlier... Anyway, Rob and I went out to dinner on Friday night. Usually when I eat out, my blood sugars tend to run higher than if I eat at home. I'm still getting a grasp on this whole carb counting thing and protein ratio etc. Anyway, I took the insulin that I thought would be enough just to keep me under 150.

So on my jogs I take Autumn in the jogging stroller for a few reasons. 1) I don't like running alone and since Rob won't go with me... and 2) it keeps me from having to go longer runs because the resistance makes me burn more calories. Awesome! Anyway, so I had Autumn with me and I was planning on doing my 1.8 mile jog and not my 1.1 mile jog. I was prepping for a 5K and wanted to make sure that I had the strength to do the whole thing.

Well there I was jogging and I had just gotten to the point where I can either turn and do just the 1.1 mile jog or I could have gone straight to do the 1.8 mile jog. Just then the thought came very loudly, "Turn! Turn now!" I thought it was me wimping out because it was a bit later than I usually run. But as I was just passing the street, the thought came even louder and said "Turn now!" So instead of questioning it this time, I turned around and slowed down to walk down the hill. (I don't like running down hills... bad on the knees). That's when I felt it. I was shaking and I was LOW! I called Rob to have him come pick me up. He brought me a piece of bread. I ate the bread slowly and weakly but ate it all before he had gotten Autumn and the stroller in the car. On the way home I started to feel like I could have finished that run. I felt like I did wimp out.

But then we got home. I tested my blood sugars. I was at 66 AFTER eating the bread! Who knows what I actually was BEFORE I ate the bread! Oh my goodness! (For those who don't know anything about blood sugar numbers-- anything below 70 is hypoglycemic and is INCREDIBLY dangerous because you can pass out.) SCARY! right!? The only reason I didn't realize I was low until after I stopped jogging and started walking was because I was not focused on how I felt, but rather just trying to make it to the end of the street.

So had I not heeded that prompting who knows what could have happened. But let's just speculate for a minute. Had I kept going, I could have passed out on the street in a part of the neighborhood where not a lot of cars drive past because it's in the corner. I had Autumn with me! I mean she would have started screaming eventually and hopefully neighbors would have been home. But let's not forget that I would have passed out on the street and taken a pretty good fall and would have been busted up pretty good. I can't help but feel like this prompting saved my life.

Since being diagnosed, I have had to rely on the Lord for a lot of strength. Like I have said before, I have felt the Lord's hand in my acceptance of this and giving me the strength to just make it day to day. It's been hard, but I know that I could not have done it without his strength lifting me up and helping me understand what's going on and how to help myself. I feel that my relationship with Him is growing everyday. I feel that because of that growing relationship I was ready and willing to hear that prompting that saved my life.

I know that I am not necessarily the most outspoken spiritual person, but I felt very strongly about writing about this. This is me being grateful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Him caring about me so much that he saved my life.

Acceptance

I can't explain exactly how I feel-- it's very hard to put into words. This last month and half I guess it's like I have been holding on to this ball... a heavy medicine ball. On Monday, I don't know why or how it changed, but I feel like I'm not carrying it anymore. I also feel like I was carrying around a "I'm Diabetic" flashing sign above my head and now I feel like I'm only wearing a name tag. I can't explain how and why I feel like this switch has happened... it just has. And I am so grateful. This burden of being diabetic is really difficult to deal with, but now that I'm feeling more at ease about it, I feel like I can handle whatever is thrown my way.

In other words, I feel like I have accepted what's happened. I feel like I can move on. I am sure that I will have my good days and my bad days. Every diabetic does. My dietitians that have had diabetes for 20+ years have bad days. It's a difficult disease that can't be cured and can only be regulated by daily medicine... it's going to suck. But I feel so at peace with this. I can't explain what switched in me that allowed me come to this peace...

Personally, I feel an answer to my many prayers and many blessings that my dear husband has given me. I feel that Heavenly Father has blessed me with this acceptance so that I can focus on getting it under control and making those life changes without resenting what's going on. I feel He has freed me from my anger to help me figure out how to help myself and my family live healthy and to take care of my body.

A lot of my thoughts have lead me often to thought that our bodies are on loan from our Heavenly Father and we MUST take care of them. Think about it like this: If you leased a car, would you take care of it, or would you let it get gross and disgusting and try turning it in at the end of your lease? Would you do that!? NO! You would take care of it so that you don't have to pay for the damages incurred on the car. So then why, when we know that our bodies are on loan from Heavenly Father, would we not take care of the bodies that He so graciously gave us that we could live a mortal life? Doesn't make sense. This is where my thoughts have led me a lot lately. My body is on loan and this disease is making me live healthy and making me take care of my body. -- Not that I was actually not taking care of my body... I exercised and was trying to change my diet slowly  to get my diet more balanced. I was on the right track. I lost 30 pounds... I was thinner and healthier than I was even in high school. I mean I'm wearing a size 6 jean! I have NEVER worn a size 6 jean! I can only remember ever wearing a size 10! That's 2 whole pant sizes smaller! So not only am I feeling better about my self image, but I'm healthier!

Anyway... enough with my bragging... (I totally think I deserve those bragging rights by the way... I worked hard for them... and I will continue to work hard to keep those rights). So the gist of this is that I have accepted that this is going to be good for me. It's going to force me to live the way that EVERYONE should live. I understand that it is hard. I have been there! I have been technically overweight by the BMI standards. This disease will not control me! I will control it! I'm grateful that when I'm 50 and possibly a grandmother that I will be healthy enough to travel and play with my grand-kids and that I won't be worn out. I'm grateful that I will be healthier than I have ever been because of this disease. Even if they find a cure in the next 5 years (highly unlikely by the way), I am determined to make these changes for life. I feel much better when I exercise and eat healthy. Try it! It's not fun at first, but I promise you once you get over that hard week, it's MUCH easier.

Acceptance! I finally have acceptance and peace!